The Divine Desire Called Inner Peace
by Khadeeja Raina
"Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Laa Illaha Illallah"
"God is the greatest, God is the greatest. There is no god but God"
She heard the muezin call the prayer. It was 5:10 in the morning and she hadn't slept a wink the whole night. Trying to rub off the headache from her temples, she reached her right hand up and moved her fingers in slow gentle circles. It was useless. She got up from her bed, annoyed at the beam of light sneaking in through the poorly drawn curtains. She went to the window and glanced outside towards the street and the neighbouring houses. She could see Mr Khan putting on his shoes in the dim light coming from his porch lamp. "He's probably going to the mosque," she thought. The sky was dark and the air was still. She drew back the curtains and thought about praying. There was half an hour left till dawn, if she would make the effort. Walking over to the bathroom with the intention of performing her wudú, she crossed the large mirror next to her closet. Stopping suddenly, she looked at her reflection staring back at her. She saw her black hair, her Asian eyes people called pretty, her full lips, her slim neck. She removed her nightgown, quickly pulling it over her head and dropping it in front of her feet. She moved closer to the mirror to observe her exposed body, her bare chest, the curve of her waist and hips, the length of her thighs. Every thought of prayer escaped her as she studied herself in the mirror.
Her black underwear was getting in the way of her enjoying the full view of herself. She moved back to her bed and lay herself down while gingerly removing her underwear. A sinful ten minutes followed till she was done thinking about the man she was going to marry. She did not know who it was going to be; he would have to come into her life through her parents, but she was getting impatient. She thought of the angst building up in her body, the trauma stored in her cells. She thought of all the healers, coaches, and mind-body experts talking about the benefits of sex, and how she was deprived of one of the most basic human needs. Letting out a sigh, she closed her eyes to continue touching herself when she heard a soft thud. Startled, she pranced to the window and saw Mr Khan safely bolting his front door and turning off his porch light. A wave of shame washed across her, triggering her OCD. She felt the panic rise in her body as she battled the surge of intrusive thoughts. She still had episodes but they weren't as bad as they were five years ago. She felt a sense of disgust for herself. Rocking herself back and forth, she tried to calm herself down. "You're okay, you're okay," she told herself, "God is merciful. He will forgive you."
The first rays of the sun beamed through the curtains. She could see the sky getting lighter. She sat near the window, breathing heavily, recovering. She felt her eyes getting heavier but she forced herself to the bathroom and performed her wudú, the ritual ablution in preparation for prayer. Putting on some loose clothes that covered every inch of her body, she reached for her prayer mat and laid it down on the floor. Her veil hung on the door hook. She reached for it, pulled it over her head, and covered herself.
She finished her prayers and sat on her praying mat for ten minutes, meditating and breathing mindfully. After she was done, she folded her prayer mat and lifted herself up from the floor. Her body felt heavy, like she had added more weight to her grief and sins; inadvertently adding to the angst she craved to release. She stood before the mirror again and looked at herself covered from head to toe for a full minute. Her eyes welled up as they beheld the imposter nobody assumed to be agonised within. Surrounded by the quiet din of dawn that deafened her ears, she proceeded to gently remove her veil and put her nightgown back on.
She slumped back on her bed, exhausted. All she wanted, in that moment, was the ability to rest her eyes and silence her mind, something she had not been able to accomplish in 32 months.
Khadeeja Raina is a Kashmiri doctoral student specialising in Trauma theory in the UK. She is a mental health advocate and is recovering from P-OCD. Her interest in trauma has lead her to spirituality-based healing practices.